31 Years Later, Cosmo Kramer’s Best Seinfeld Line Is Still One Of The Funniest Quotes In Sitcom History

Along with Mr. Bean and Inspector Clouseau, Cosmo Kramer is one of the cornerstones of physical comedy. When Kramer filled a washing machine with concrete in season 2’s “The Revenge,” Seinfeld’s writers took note of Michael Richards’ incredible slapstick abilities, and started injecting his storylines with more and more physical humor.

Richards does one of the best pratfalls in the business, and he’s the only comic performer who can get a huge, uproarious laugh and a round of applause just from the way he walks through a door. Richards is such a gifted physical comedian that the writers didn’t even really have to try. All they had to do to create a memorable Kramer storyline was give Richards something physical to do, like making him the oldest ballboy on a tennis court or putting him in a karate class with a bunch of little kids, and he would spin comedy gold out of that setup.

Whether he was getting thunked on the head with a flying baseball or chasing a falling air conditioner out of a window, Richards could always get a laugh without saying a word. So, a lot of Seinfeld’s best lines were given to Jerry, George, and Elaine. Jerry got all the wry, observational quips, George got all the rants, and Elaine got all the biting insults. But Kramer still had some really funny dialogue on the show, and Richards’ delivery was always pitch-perfect. Kramer boldly declared himself “The Assman,” he described a public pool as “a flabby-armed spanking machine,” and his matter-of-fact delivery of “I’m out!” in Seinfeld’s greatest episode, “The Contest,” is nestled in sitcom history.

But none of those are Kramer’s best line from Seinfeld. That distinction goes to his hilariously blunt deconstruction of the institution of marriage in the season 7 premiere, “The Engagement.”

Kramer’s Monologue About Marriage Is A Comedy Masterclass

Seinfeld’s best monologue is, undoubtedly, George’s beached whale story, but Kramer had some great monologues. In the season 3 episode “The Dog,” Kramer’s entire B-story was a passionate diatribe straight to camera, lambasting his girlfriend for “contributing nothing to society,” ferociously breaking up with her, and then begging her to take him back, as Richards moves through the entire emotional spectrum in absurdly quick succession. Kramer’s retelling of his heroic pinky-toe rescue in season 5’s “The Fire” is so vivid and fully realized that you feel like you’re there.

In Seinfeld’s season 7 premiere, “The Engagement,” Kramer gives his all-time greatest monologue. The episode begins with Jerry and George bonding over a shared emotional emptiness. They agree to finally grow up, find their true love, and settle down. But, while George is racing off to propose to the one that got away, Jerry is quickly talked out of it. When he mentions his conversation with George, and wondering if there’s something more to life, Kramer clues him in on something: “There isn’t.”

What are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? They’re prisons! Manmade prisons! You’re doing time! You get up in the morning, she’s there. You go to sleep at night, she’s there. It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom: ‘Is it all right if I use the bathroom now!?’ And you can forget about watching TV while you’re eating. You know why? Because it’s dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner? You talk about your day. ‘How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it?’ ‘Well, I don’t know, how about you? How was your day?’ It’s sad, Jerry, it’s a sad state of affairs.

Over the next couple of minutes, Kramer outlines the horrors of marriage: being stuck with the same person, day and night, for the rest of your life; making the same inane small-talk about your daily routine over dinner, without the TV on. Kramer paints a very bleak picture of married life, and by the end of it, Jerry — and probably most of the audience — is completely put off the idea of a lifelong commitment.

This whole monologue is a comedic masterclass. Richards nails the timing and cadence of every single punchline; he delivers the whole speech with such passion that it makes Kramer’s warped view of true love sound like good points; and it sets up a rift between Jerry and George that will last throughout the rest of Seinfeld’s seventh season.