The late Dr. Ruth’s final message about fighting loneliness

“Once the reporting was over, we just wanted to stay in each other’s lives, and to me, that is the most unexpected joy,” Gilbert tells Fortune. “We had a very fast and deep friendship.” 

Gilbert interviewed Westheimer about her transition from America’s most celebrated sex therapist to New York State’s honorary Ambassador to Loneliness, but their story became much more than the one that went to press.

“Dr. Ruth had this incredible ability that she worked on with great purpose to create a family out of friends,” Gilbert says of the self-described “orphan of the Holocaust,” who survived after her mother put her, at age 10, on a train to Switzerland. After their first interview, Gilbert began spending practically every week with Westheimer. “Little did I know, because it was imperceptible at the time, she was keeping me around.” 

Westheimer, widely known as the famed “Dr. Ruth,” died in July at 96.

“The secret to her success is that she has always been approachable. She’s always been welcoming. She’s always made people feel like their needs and questions are valuable and valued,” Gilbert says. 

That proved to be the case even after Gilbert’s profile was published in the New York Times in November, and Westheimer asked when they would see each other again. “She cultivated friends and nurtured them and put energy into them,” Gilbert says. “I got caught up in that warmth and glow.” 

Shortly after that, Westheimer asked Gilbert to co-author what would become her final message to the public, in book form: The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life. They began working on it together at the end of last year, and then, following Westheimer’s death, Gilbert worked with publicist and third coauthor Pierre Lehu to complete the book, which was published this month. 

“Dr. Ruth would say that loneliness is curable, and you have the power. You have the agency to do what it takes to build meaningful, worthwhile, fulfilling relationships,” Gilbert says. “She did not beat around the bush. She did not mince words, and that is the approach that she wanted to take with The Joy of Connections.”

Now, Gilbert is carrying on Westheimer’s legacy by amplifying the lessons she held most dear, as shared in The Joy of Connections. Here are four key takeaways.

Allison Gilbert

Don’t let yourself off the hook 

The book features an illustration called “Dr. Ruth’s menu for connection,” with portions of a plate labeled “family,” “friends and lovers,” and “community.” But the largest pie of the chart? It’s labeled “self.” 

The message is simple: You play the most significant role in your ability to foster meaningful connections. 

Think about how you behave in the workplace, for example. “Are you offering to help? Are you lending advice or guidance or a professional connection that you know could be of value to a colleague?” Gilbert asks. “That authentic way of showing up, proactively, without being asked, demonstrates that you are invested, that you are interested, that you see your colleague. That is the building block of a relationship.” 

All of our behaviors send a message about our willingness to connect, and being self-reliant can help us build confidence and self-worth to engage with those around us. 

In addition, “We need to look at our own behaviors that might be inadvertently pushing people away,” she says. “If we are not open and being authentic, especially at work, [Westheimer] would say that is potentially building walls around you that might be so high that even with your best intentions, your colleagues and your co-workers can’t scale them.” 

Take social connections into account when making big decisions

When we get a job offer in another city, for example, we may often only consider salary and title. But Westheimer would add one more critical pillar: “Mental wealth.” So, while moving away could increase your financial wealth, it’s important to also ask if your mental health could suffer from a lack of social connections. If you get a chronic illness, would you have people you could lean on? Would there be a community you could join? 

If the answer is no, then making the decision to leave anyway could possibly “cut off these tethers that are so important to our physical and mental well-being,” Gilbert says.  

Be like a turtle and stick your neck out

Westheimer had hundreds of miniature turtle figurines in her home, as she loved the metaphor they delivered: If a turtle wants to survive, it must stick its neck out. 

“We all need to take that risk,” Gilbert says Westheimer believed. “We need to create our own tailwind to get out. Our desire for social connection, for friendships, for romantic relationships, has to be more powerful than that magnet that attaches you to the couch.”

Asking for help, being curious about a project’s underlying process, and seeking guidance can help you feel more connected and empowered. Rejection as a part of life was another central talking point for Westheimer, who would much rather stay “meaningfully busy” sticking her neck out than remain home out of fear, Gilbert says. 

Get past the context in which you meet people

It’s easy to confuse the number of hours you spend around someone as evidence of a deep connection, says Gilbert. But the hidden secret of a deepening friendship is to pay attention to context—and be able to get past it. Despite being around your coworker for eight hours a day, for example, you likely don’t know their hobbies or children’s names. Why don’t we ask more people we are interested in for coffee? A walk? A meal? 

“If we do nothing to make that connection stronger, we will continue just to be colleagues and potentially not friends. Get out of the circumstances to which you met,” Gilbert says. Being able to do so “is an indication to that other person that they have now become somewhat more important in your life,” she explains.

That’s a lesson Gilbert learned directly from the source—becoming friends with Westheimer when they had started off simply as interviewer and interviewee. She admired and responded to Westheimer’s ability to stay open to new possibilities. Now, it’s something she hopes to emulate in her own evolving story. 

“I may have been the newest member of her family. I may have been her newest friend,” she says. “I miss my friend.”