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“I’m waiting for you to retire so we can get a divorce.”
It was not the answer the chief financial officer of one of America’s largest public companies expected when he tried a workplace candor exercise on his wife. He had written her a dinner invitation suggesting they have a conversation about everything they never spoke about.
“Let’s talk about the things we need to say but we may not be talking about today,” he wrote. “How is our partnership? How am I supporting you? What can I do better? I promise, I truly want to hear how you are thinking and feeling.”
The honesty of her reply—and the candor of the discussion that followed—saved their marriage.
Waiting for dramatic moments to give feedback misses daily opportunities to help each other grow. Feedback should not be saved for annual reviews at work or family interventions at home. It is a gift we can give every day to those we care about.
Most of us would rather avoid such truths. We let important things go unsaid in our relationships, at home, and at work. We watch colleagues struggle rather than offer perspectives that could help them grow. We let frustrations with loved ones simmer until they boil over. Half of Americans say no one in their personal lives tells them hard truths—in the workplace, that figure rises to 71%.
This kind of feedback requires rewiring how we think about criticism. Most of us are conditioned from childhood to hear feedback as a directive; our parents weren’t offering suggestions when they said, “Don’t touch that!” or “Sit up straight!” But feedback can be a gift of perspective, one that the recipient is free to accept, modify, or decline. Like research data that helps companies make better decisions, the feedback we receive is simply datapoints that helps us see our areas we might work on and consider new possibilities.
I learned this lesson the hard way. Growing up as a gay kid in blue-collar Catholic Pittsburgh in the 1970s left me with deep insecurities and an obsession with success at any cost. My defensive walls and inability to give or receive honest feedback contributed to failed relationships, both personal and professional. I was the partner who couldn’t hear criticism without deflecting, the leader who avoided difficult conversations until it was too late.
But I’ve also seen what’s possible when people commit to everyday candor. At a cosmetics company I work with, two senior executives demonstrate this daily. The chief financial officer noticed her colleague, a marketing star, could benefit from deeper financial knowledge to advance her career. Rather than stay in her lane, she actively brought her peer into earnings calls and investor meetings. Meanwhile, her colleague coached the CFO on storytelling and presentation skills, and their mutual investment in each other’s growth helped drive their company’s success.
I saw this with my foster son Daniel. Traditional parent-child directives got nowhere. But one day, I tried a different approach: “Daniel, I’m curious. Do you eat that way at school in front of the girl you’re always talking about?” Offering observations tied to something he cared about often sparked curiosity instead of defensiveness.
The same approach works in any relationship. “I have some thoughts that might help you be even more effective. Would you like to hear them? It’s totally your call what you do with this input—it’s just my perspective, one data point for you to consider alongside others.” When we frame feedback this way, we remove the pressure of demanded change. More importantly, when we make offering these perspectives an everyday practice rather than saving them for formal conversations, we create an ongoing dialogue that strengthens relationships and helps everyone grow.
Simple practices can help build this muscle. In Guatemala, we’ve helped to teach children in the poorest communities to be each other’s coaches, transforming educational outcomes through daily peer feedback. In workplaces, I encourage teams to regularly offer thoughts on each other’s ideas, competencies (like leadership), skills (like use of technology), and performance (holding each other accountable for delivery). Even families can benefit from regular check-ins about what’s working and what is not.
One powerful practice is what I call the “Open 360″—I have used this practice countless times in a team setting and recently among a family office that included the grand matriarch of the family, the parents, and their three girls and their spouses. Each person takes turns receiving two kinds of feedback from everyone else: “What I most admire about you is…” followed by “Because I care about your success, what I might suggest is…” The structure makes it easier to give and receive candid input, but it’s just a starting point for making feedback part of daily family life.
The alternative to honest feedback—conflict avoidance—is far worse than momentary discomfort. I’ve watched relationships wither from withheld truths.I’ve seen businesses fail because people wouldn’t speak up.In an era of polarization and rapid change, our ability to give and receive honest feedback may determine not just our professional success, but the health of our most important relationships.
Would you be surprised if you invited more honest feedback from those closest to you? The truth might save more than a marriage, it could transform how we connect with everyone in our lives. The key is remembering that feedback is simply information freely given and freely received, best shared not in dramatic moments but in the small, everyday interactions that build stronger relationships.
The opinions expressed in Fortune.com commentary pieces are solely the views of their authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Fortune.
This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
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Keith Ferrazzi
