The world was very different 25 years ago. We ushered in the new millennium wearing low-slung denim, watching The Lord of the Rings, and listening to MP3s on iPods.
This was also a time when even the launch of a new operating system was as exciting as GTA 6, and with Windows XP, Microsoft shed its staid roots and created something aimed at everyone rather than just business users.
Monday: Installing XP
Installing Windows XP directly on modern hardware is possible, but requires heavy slipstreaming and patching. The easiest way to run Windows XP is via a virtual machine, and UTM is designed to do just that on macOS computers.
Yes, I could have done this on a Windows device, but running it on a Mac increases security because if a virus or malware makes the jump from the virtual machine to the full operating system, it won’t be able to cause much damage.
This is a good time to mention that if you do want to run Windows XP in any way, shape, or form, it hasn’t been updated for over 10 years now, leaving it as vulnerable as a puppy in the center of the sun. So be careful.
The next step is to install a Windows XP ISO. I was hit by a blast of nostalgia as I remembered how exciting it was the first time I installed Windows XP, and I think Microsoft was acutely aware that these first steps had to be a tantalizing appetiser, so it made everything as good-looking and easy as possible.
With Windows XP, Microsoft genuinely created something different.
After you’ve entered the CD key (remember those!?), installation takes a good half an hour, then Windows XP announces its presence with that classic start-up sound. That sunlit Bliss wallpaper popped up, and something stirred deep within me.
With Windows XP, Microsoft genuinely created something different. It was dubbed the Fisher-Price OS for a reason: it was tactile, chunky, and colorful. Childish as it might have been, it was never boring.
Tuesday: Updating Windows XP
One thing my rose-tinted glasses had blocked out was how many updates you need to install to get Windows XP up and running. Thankfully, Legacy Update, a fan-created program, installs all the necessary updates.
It perfectly replicates the Windows update process, presenting the updates in Internet Explorer (the first time Microsoft had made it this easy), and taking hours. Once XP updated, Microsoft realised my copy didn’t pass genuine Windows validation. Bye-bye, Bliss. Hello, dark wallpaper, my old friend.
Wednesday: How did we live without search?
With Windows updated, I had a poke around in XP. It’s agonisingly slow, and I’m not sure if this is the way it was, or if it’s because I’m emulating an operating system on a completely different operating system.
But one of the biggest realisations I had about Windows XP is that search really wasn’t part of the OS’s fabric in 2001. Today, it’s second nature to hit the Windows key and type the first few letters of the program or file you want to open.
In Windows XP, opening files is totally mouse-based, and you need to know what you’re looking for. I’m pretty sure Microsoft put more effort into the little animated dog than it did into the search itself. It is such a minor thing, but it brought home how essential search is to making the user interface of an OS feel completely seamless.
Thursday: Productivity
After a good ol’ five-hour Pinball session, I decided to try and get something done, and that requires internet. Windows XP came pre-packaged with Internet Explorer 6, and yes, it still sucks, but only because it’s so old and fragile that pretty much all modern websites cause it to instantaneously collapse.
There are exceptions: FrogFind is a lo-fi search engine designed specifically for vintage computers that strips back the code and images of modern sites to raw HTML. If you have a fetish for royal blue Times New Roman text, you’re going to have a great time.
Either Microsoft’s Windows XP crash servers are still running 25 years later, or the whole thing was a big lie.
The alternative is Supermium, which, on paper, is a genuinely impressive feat. Built specifically for retro computing, Supermium brings a Chromium experience to deprecated operating systems. When it works. In my case, it didn’t, and I couldn’t even type my Google username without it crashing.
Weirdly, Windows XP still insisted on sending a crash report to Microsoft. Either Microsoft’s Windows XP crash servers are still running 25 years later, or the whole thing was a big lie.
The internet was not going to happen, so I went down the Microsoft Office route for work instead. After an hour-long installation, Office refused to accept my product key for no apparent reason and kept restarting itself. Clippy still turned up, though. Clippy is still really annoying.
Friday: Entertainment
With any hope of getting work done completely out of the window (ahem), I decided to kick back for some entertainment. Internet streaming is a total non-starter. YouTube tried to load, but didn’t get beyond gray thumbnails.
Thankfully, Winamp is still a thing, and, in keeping with the times, I raided my 2001-era collection of one MP3 for a blast of nostalgic tunes, and just watched those cool visualizations for about five minutes and remembered that this is all we had before Netflix.
I also managed to get Half-Life to run in 640×480 software mode, but I got stuck on the train and couldn’t look anywhere but the ceiling. Which is something that has frequently happened to me in real life as well.
In conclusion
I hit shut down one last time and vowed never to return to Windows XP. This was a nostalgic trip that rapidly turned into a nightmare.
I could have persevered, but I value my sanity too much. Windows XP is slow, clunky, and just plain annoying in ways I’d completely forgotten. I ran back into the loving arms of Windows 11 and welcomed its probing, AI-powered fingers.
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