‘Twas the night before tech Christmas, when all through the smart house,
Not an LED bulb was stirring, not even a smart watch,
°
The children were nestled under their covers,
While visions of new smartphones danced in their VR headsets,
And mom in her heated pants, I in my Bluetooth earbuds,
Had just settled down for another binge of Succession.
°
When out on the lawn, our video doorbell alerted us to such a clatter,
I sprang off the couch to see what my smartphone had captured.
Away to the app, I swiped in a flash
Opened the feed and selected the lens below my sash.
°
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of Instagram filters to the animatronic characters below.
When what to my wondering smart glasses should appear,
but a miniature e-sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
°
With a millennial driver so sluggish and slightly sleigh-sick
I knew in a moment that it must be AI Nick.
More vapid than influencers, his coursers, they came,
And Nick grunted, cast glances, and listed their names.
°
“Now, Devon. Now, TikTok Dancer, Now, Dancing with Stars,
On, Capricious, On Hinge, On Dessert, and Blintzes.
To as close as you can get to the house without setting off the security system!
Now dash that way, dash that way, please dash away, all.”
°
As virtual figures rise before us and spin out and into existence,
So to the top of the house,
the collection, they flew,
With the e-sleigh full of gadgets and AI Nick, too.
°
And then in a twinkling, I heard through my smart woofers,
The stomping and scrapping of each annoyed hoofer.
As I popped out my earbuds and turned around,
Down my central air vent, AI Nick came with a sound.
°
He was dressed all in E-ink fabric with jolly messages appearing from head to foot,
And he was covered in dust that my smart air filter detected.
A small bag of gadgets and gift cards he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a store clerk, filling a shopping sack.
°
His eyes were twinkling question marks, his dimples were almost merry!
His cheeks worked to form an answer, his nose twitched in fury,
His droll mouth drew up to request an inquiry.
And the beard, trimmed neatly to show off his chiseled chin, was white as the snow.
°
The stump of his vape held tight in his teeth,
And a puff of vapor encircled his head like a gray wreath.
He had a narrow face and a belt cinched tight on his belly.
That barely moved when he laughed, which is just as well-e.
He was tall and thin, a right intense AI elf.
And I thought of a prompt to interrogate himself
A lift of his eyebrow and a turn of his head
Soon, let me know, he’d keep silent instead.
°
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And dropped gift cards in stockings and turned to this jerk
And laying a finger on top of his phone,
And shaking his head, up the vent he rose.
°
He walked to his e-sleigh and to the bored deer he whistled.
And away they all flew, like a jet with satellite Wi-Fi.
But I heard him yell loudly as he flew out of sight,
“That’s an excellent question. I think the story of Santa is one of universal joy.
Would you like to hear a holiday greeting?
How’s this:
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Would you like to hear more or learn more about the history of the holiday season?
Hello…?”
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lance.ulanoff@futurenet.com (Lance Ulanoff)
