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Hey kids, let’s get radical! That was the promise of many an 80s kids’ flick, and, to be fair, a bunch did deliver a high quotient of tubular awesomeness. Then, on the other side of the family-friendly cinematic spectrum, there was a repugnant collection of unforgettably stinky stinkers…just stinking it up.
While the 80s were known for rampant consumerism and Reaganomics, the Me Decade spawned a slew of family films, all trying to cash in big time on popular kids’ goods. A lot of these mind-numbing movies featured laughably blatant product placement sequences disguised as business as usual, while others were simply a vehicle to sell kids toys without a hint of subtlety. And then, there were movies that were marketed as child-appropriate, but were anything but. Here’s the corrosive collection of unwatchable kids’ flicks, in all their corny, cinematically awful glory.
6
‘The Wizard’ (1989)
Kicking this list off is a “film” that’s truly impressive for the amount of product placement shoved into it. It’s actually more like a strangely toned, live-action infomercial for Nintendo — which culminates in the much-anticipated release of the game “Super Mario Bros. 3.” In a cinematic sense, there are little to no redeeming qualities in this convoluted mess of a movie, but as far as video game presentation goes, director Todd Holland’s The Wizard is kinda rad.
The story starts off tonally bizarre, as the main character, Jimmy Woods (Luke Edwards), is an introverted kid who’s been traumatized by his twin sister’s drowning. But, buck up, kids, Jimmy’s plucky older brother, Corey (Fred Savage), rescues Jimmy before he’s locked up in a mental institution, and whisks him off to California for…a video game competition. They link up with a random girl, Haley Brooks (Jenny Lewis), and, utilizing Jimmy’s natural ability to slay video games, they hustle and hitchhike to the big tourney. The dialogue supplied to the kids is beyond weird, as they discuss topics way too mature for them. It’s a right old mess — but at least they get to play with the Power Glove.
5
‘Felix the Cat: The Movie’ (1988)
It’s true, kids: some animated movies are actually bad. Such is the case with the much-maligned Felix the Cat: The Movie. It was presented as a throwback to the old-timey cartoon, but the filmmakers went a little haywire with the execution. Director Tibor Hernádi’s messy movie is a sloppy, slapdash attempt at kids’ entertainment, that went off the rails in all the wrong ways.
The titular cat, Felix (voiced by David Kolin), goes on a mission to rescue a princess, namely, Princess Oriana of…Oriana. She’s being held captive by the nefarious Duke of Zill (voiced by Chris Phillips) for some reason, and Felix, through the art of song, and armed with his magic bag of “tricks,” is the only one who can save her. There’s also a sequence where he travels to another dimension to perform in a circus. Aside from the nonsensical story (it’s a kids’ movie after all, some concessions need to be made), the other problematic elements to this cartoon are the disjointed, poorly presented animation, non-synced voices, and excruciatingly cloying sing-a-longs. Luckily, this version of the magical cat didn’t have nine lives.
4
‘Cry Wilderness’ (1987)
The most amazing thing about Cry Wilderness is that it is not a shoddy rip-off of Harry and the Hendersons, since the two Bigfoot-centric films came out in the same year. Regardless, this astoundingly strange movie (that somehow garnered a PG rating) is one of the weirdest, worst attempts at bridging the gap between children and Sasquatches.
One fine day, the hero of the tale, a young boy named Paul Cooper (Eric Foster) who lives in a remote wilderness setting with his pop, Will Cooper (Maurice Grandmaison, later made internet-famous from that meme of him smiling), finds a Bigfoot. He cleverly saves the creature from some evil hunters, and the Yeti gifts Paul a magical pendant that acts as a kind of walkie-talkie to Big…feet? Things become further complicated when Will has to go on a hunt of his own…for a missing tiger. Uh, okay, sure. Again, this was billed as a children’s movie, but it’s laden with inappropriate comments and visuals, atrocious dialogue, and one of the worst Bigfoot costumes committed to celluloid. This movie isn’t further down on this list because it has achieved cult status for its utterly ridiculous awfulness. Honestly, it is pretty (unintentionally) entertaining.
3
‘Howard the Duck’ (1986)
Sometimes filmmakers’ hands become tied. Their goal is to create a movie that can entertain kids while simultaneously providing the adults that brought them to the cinema with a little bit of humor and a somewhat interesting plot. Director and co-writer Willard Huyck certainly didn’t set out to make one of the weirdest, most deplorable movies ever, but, well, here we are.
The story of the wisecracking waterfowl, Howard (voiced by Chip Zien), is that he is actually an alien life form from the planet Duckworld (where anthropomorphic duck creatures have their own feathery society). A “cosmic beam” zaps him and magically transports him to Ohio. Here he meets a fledgling rock and roll singer, Beverly Switzler (Lea Thompson, in a role she probably would like to forget — especially seeing as how this film debuted only one year after Back to the Future). He saves her from some goons, because, obviously, Howard knows martial arts. Luckily, Beverly happens to be chums with a scientist, Phil Blumburtt (Tim Robbins — um, why??), who has a laser that he can reverse-zap Howard back to wherever the duck he came from. The main issue with this film is that it’s so tonally odd. In an attempt to be funny, it’s wildly inappropriate for kids (there’s a scene with topless lady ducks — don’t ask), and nary a single “joke” lands with adults. Overall, the quacky disaster that is Howard the Duck should be avoided like the plague (unless you like those cult-status so-atrocious-its-awful movies). Even the poster tagline, “Trapped in a world he never made,” is baffling. What does that mean??
2
‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’ (1987)
There aren’t a lot of films inspired by trading cards…for good reason. Manufacturing a story around classic Topps’ card characters, like Valerie Vomit and Foul Phil, must’ve been a daunting task for director Rod Amateau (and his co-writers Linda Palmer and John Pound). But, luckily for them, and the viewing public, someone got the brilliant idea to make the “kids” a race of aliens that have been magically zapped to earth (just like Howard! …but through a garbage can), with the goal of flatulating, vomiting, urinating, oozing other unspeakable fluids, and generally grossing out every human in sight. Hence, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (0% critic score on RT) was born, and it is…truly…trash.
The “story” begins with a lonely loser, Dodger (Mackenzie Astin), who has grand artistic ambitions. He’s viciously bullied, but, have no fear, the Pail Kids emerge and help Dodger…create designs for, and then actually sew, fashionable clothing. Uh, ok. The action climaxes in a massive 80s fashion show (maybe the unspoken commentary was “fashion is trash?”). Aside from the abject absurdity of the plot, the Kids are revolting beyond belief. Small stature humans wore costumes (which, to the art designers and effects people’s credit, really looked just like the vile drawings in the cards) to depict the notorious Garbage characters, and they are sublimely horrifying. The only reason this kids’ movie isn’t rated as the worst of all time, is because it definitely delighted a bunch of booger-eating little boys.
1
‘Mac and Me’ (1988)
To be fair, while this may subjectively be the worst kids’ movie of all time, it is highly entertaining. So much so, that it has inspired some truly sick memes. That being said, oh boy, this 99-minute-long commercial for McDonald’s/E.T. rip-off is one of the worst cinematic abominations ever captured on film. It’s hard to even know where to begin with this one…but we’ll start with the director/co-writer Stewart Raffill — who would, inexplicably, later go on to be one of the writers of Passenger 57. The assumption is that the studio told him something along the lines of “Hey, want a bag of money? McDonald’s is paying” when he took on this project. Or, who knows, maybe he had such an affinity for McNuggets that he was fully onboard from the get-go.
The plot of Mac and Me (let’s just call it a “respectful homage to E.T.”) revolves around a little dude who is in a wheelchair, Eric Cruise (Jade Calegory). His life is turned upside-down when a family of doofy-looking aliens crash-land in his town (after getting sucked through a space probe, brought to you by NASA, naturally). Instead of having magical powers, like the aforementioned “extraterrestrial,” they come off as rather, well, dumb as moon rocks. Their faces are supposed to be comical, but are more off-putting than anything. Of course, the “government” is determined to find these aliens and do unspeakable things to them, so it’s up to Eric and his brother, Michael (Jonathan Ward), to protect them until the critters can find a way home (although with their IQ level it seems rather impossible that their race conquered space travel). As discussed, there are countless product placement stretches in this film, for Coke (which “refuels” the “Mysterious Alien Creatures”) and McDonald’s, and the crown jewel of this movie actually takes place in one of the famed fast food joints. Eric brings “Mac” to the eatery, wearing a bear costume to disguise him. And then, out of NOWHERE, every kid and customer in the place breaks into a highly choreographed dance — that culminates with Mac doing some gravity-defying flips and Pee-Wee Herman-esque moves on a counter that betray any chance at explanation. This scene is so resplendent in its idiocy that it actually makes the whole movie somehow worthwhile (…or just watch the clip on YouTube).
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Joe Leone
Almontather Rassoul
